Dear Commissioner,

I am the head coach of one of the 30 NBA franchises. Following the San Antonio Spurs ban for resting some of their players (which I absolutely think you nailed it since you are the best commissioner ever and every decision you make is as irrefutable as if it were a law), I’d like to inform you ahead of time that I would like to maybe rest a couple of guys at some point this season (if you would allow and if it is a righteous thing to do).

First of all, let me assure you that I have no plans to rest players when my team plays on national television… duh, I couldn’t be that stupid, could I.

I would like to improvise with a shorter rotation of only 9 guys over the next week. This means that I would have 4 guys inactive for the next game. I will PM you their names and wait for your permission. Then, for the next game, I’d probably play one of those guys if the game is not close in the end. Is that fine with you as well? Am I allowed to do that on a hunch or should I mail you in advance to let you know whether he will play? Or even better, should you mail me and tell me whether he should play?

Also, I am thinking of a radical move that I hope you would allow. One of my star players is getting long in the tooth and I was thinking of reducing his minutes slightly to better preserve him. He usually plays around 33 minutes per game but I’d like to get that number down to 32 minutes… (sigh). I know, radical. I sincerely hope such a drastic reduction of a star player’s minutes is not something that puts the NBA in the best light but the guy has been battling various injuries in his past and is recovering more slowly with age. I truly hope this move would not make the NBA lose money from unhappy fans who could not possibly watch so many minutes of a basketball game without seeing their favorite player in it. Please, Commissioner, consider my reasons for this intention and let me know whether I would be allowed to do that.

Last but not least, there is this rookie on my roster, a lottery pick at that. He didn’t just hit the rookie wall, he crashed so hard into it he is still seeing stars. I know that he is a lottery pick and a potential future star in the league and a blasphemous thought as not playing him would be immediately dismissed. However, his play is so atrocious at the moment that he is a net negative on the team. Please, Mr. Commissioner, allow my team to bench him until he gets back on track so that we have any shot of competing in our next few games. I promise he would always stay on the bench and the fans would hopefully not forget that he is in the league. I hope that if you have other thoughts about the playing time of my players, you will mail them so that I know which player should be played exactly how many minutes so that we follow all NBA guidelines and don’t end up getting fined.

Sincerely,

An (unfortunate) NBA head coach

 


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